I write as if I'm bleeding to death & I'll never be able to feel another word...

Remember What???

2006-08-13T21:43:24Z

God bless it, why can't I remember anything?!?!?! I swear on all things holy that my memory is the size of an inch worm. I was reading a book today -- a novel actually -- & it's narrated by this senior in high school...seems like a teen novella, but it's not, it's actually quite witty & humerous, but anyway!!! I'm reading this book & she's talking about high school & it being their last year, "blahdiddyblahblah," (as Jessica the narrator would say) & she says something about not remembering high school in ten years & me being the argumentative, headstrong moron that I am, says, (of course to myself) "Psh...Tsk...I remember high school!" And so it was, the beginning of four very long, very irritating hours of trying to remember high school...which I did not succeed at.

So, I ask you...why is it that I have a memory the size of an inch worm?!?!? The very few things that I do remember about high school are blurry...out of focus...distant. It's like...I'm living someone elses life because this condition is not limited to my memories -- or lack thereof -- of high school. I can't even remember 24 hours ago!?! YESTERDAY! I can't remember YESTERDAY! That which is also quite blurry & hard to recall would be Ben's visit to New York. Or how about my MOTHER'S visit to New York? Both occurred in the same month of July 2006, but neither event can I recall without mixing up whatever adventures we embarked upon. We did embark upon adventures I assume, as we were in New York City...well they "were," I still am. At least I think I still am...though, apparently I could have moved & not even remembered...

Oy...maybe I should see a doctor about this...

Something I read recently...

2006-08-13T21:42:01Z

Something I read recently...

A SIMPLE THANK YOU

Last week, while traveling to Chicago on business, I noticed a Marine sergeant traveling with a folded flag, but did not put two & two together. After we boarded our flight, I turned to the sergeant, who'd been invited to sit First Class (across from me), & inquired if he was heading home.

"No," he responded.

"Heading out?" I asked.

"No, I'm escortin a soldier home."

"Oh, going to pick him up, then?"

"No. He is with me right now. He was killed in Iraq. I am taking him home to his family."

The realization of what he had been asked to do hit me like a punch in the gut. But to him...it was an honor. He told me that, although he didn't know the soldier, he had delivered the news of his passing to the soldier's family & felt as if he knew them after many conversations in so few days. I turned back to him & said, "Thank you. Thank you for doing what you do so that my family & I can do what we do."

Upon landing in Chicago, the pilot stopped short of the gate & made the following announcement over the intercom:

"Ladies & gentlemen, I would like to not that we have had the honor of having Sergeant Steeley of the United States Marine Corps join us on this flight. He is escorting a fallen comrade back home to his family. I ask that you please remain in your seats when we open the forward door to allow Sergeant Steeley to deplane & receive his fellow soldier. We will then turn off the seat belt sign."

Without a sound, all went as requested. All that could see, watched out the window as the sergeant & the fallen soldier deplaned. As the casket was coming down the conveyor belt, Sergeant Steeley saluted the casket & his action made me proud to be an American.

So...to men & women like Sergeant Steeley & to our many fallen soldiers...this is a public Thank You...Thank you for doing what you do so that we can do what we do.
Stuart Margel, Washington D.C.

Pictures from 2006's International Picture of the Year Award

First Place:

Todd Heisler - The Rocky Mountain News
2nd Lt. James Cathey's body arrives at the Reno Airport while Marines climb into the cargo hold of the plane to drap the flag over his casket as passengers watch the family gather on the tarmac.

During the arrival of another Marine's casket last year at Denver International Airport, Major Steve Beck described the scene as so powerful. "...you've gotta wonder what those people watching are thinking. What's going through their minds knowing that they're on the plane that brought him home," he said. "They will remember being on that plane for the rest of their lives. They're going to remember bringing that Marine home. And they should."

2nd Place:

Todd Heisler - The Rocky Mountain News

The night before the burial of her husband's body, Katherine Cathey refuses to leave the casket, requesting to sleep next to his body one last time.

The Marines made a bed for her, tucking in the sheets below the flag. Before she fell asleep she opened her laptop computer & played songs that reminded her of 'Cat," & as she did, one of the Marines asked her if she wanted them to continue standing watch as she slept. "I think it would be kind of nice if you kept doing it," she said. "I thnk it's what he would have wanted."

Trying to write something that's worth reading...

2006-08-13T21:40:52Z

Not that this is worth reading or anything. I'm not really sure as though I have anything to write. I'm having that "writer's block" issue again & I just can't shake it. I wrote that little poem this morning, but it didn't extinguish this flame of creative desire. Ohh, that one was kinda good, yeah? "...extinguish the flame of creative desire..."

So, I've been thinking of the next place I'm moving...

Any suggestions???

it's 4 o'clock in the morning...

2006-08-13T21:39:27Z

...& i just can't sleep...
...too much to think about...
...so many reasons to weep...
...one reason: i'm all alone...
...another reason: i'm so far from home...
...but don't get it twisted...
...home isn't there...
...it's just where my soul...
...is as light as the air...
...someplace that i feel...
...so safe & so near...
...to someone who loves me...
...and says it so clear...

The Accusations of 9/11

2006-08-13T21:37:59Z

Is it general knowledge yet that there is question as to whether the U.S. Government staged the attacks of 9/11? Has it yet become general knowledge that the evidence supporting these accusations is quite surprisingly substantial?

There are many, many videos throughout the internet that attempt to provide the knowledge, but it seems it's not spreading quickly enough. In almost 5 years questions are still unanswered by our government. What does it all mean? YOU decide.

The one I liked the best is 9/11 In Plane Sight.

9/11 In Plane Sight: The Director's Cut (1hr 12min)

Loose Change - 2nd Edition (1hr 21min)

September 11: Evidence to the Contrary (1hr 26min)

The Truth & Lies of 9/11 (2hr 17min)

Aktenzeichen 9/11 (File Reference 9/11, in GERMAN) (43min)

9/11 Controlled Demolitions of Sept. 11, 2001 (36min)

And finally, the ONLY video I could find that tries to disprove the conspiracy theories (yet holds ZERO evidence) is by a guy who can't speak a single sentence without profanities. In my opinion, this person isn't nearly intelligent enough to even speak on the subject, let alone "prove" his theory...which is WHAT, again?
Stupid 9/11 Conspiracy Theories (9min)

Apparently, it's time to start another war...

2006-08-13T21:34:52Z

As some of you know...I recently re-posted a "Support Our Troops" bulletin. Some people reposted, but one opposed.

The Bulletin

I Support Our Troops

Your alarm goes off, you hit the snooze and sleep for another 10 minutes.
He stays up for days on end.

You take a warm shower to help you wake up.
She goes days or weeks without running water.

You complain of a "headache", and call in sick.
He gets shot at, as others are hit, and keeps moving forward.

You put on your anti war/don't support the troops shirt, and go meet up with your friends.
She still fights for your right to wear that shirt.

You make sure you're cell phone is in your pocket.
He clutches the cross hanging on his chain next to his dog tags.

You talk trash on your "girls" that aren't with you.
She knows she may not see some of her friends again.

You walk down the beach, staring at all the pretty girls.
He walks the streets, searching for insurgents and terrorists.

You complain about how hot it is.
She wears her heavy gear, not daring to take off her helmet to wipe her brow.

You go out to lunch, and complain because the restaurant got your order wrong.
He does not get to eat today.

In the morning, you make your bed and wash your clothes & sheets.
She wears the same things for months, but makes sure her weapons are clean.

You go to the salon and get your hair redone.
He doesn't have time to brush his teeth today.

You are angry because you had to work 2 hours later.
She is told she will be held an extra 2 months.

You call your boyfriend and set a date for that night.
He waits for the mail to see if there is a letter from home.

You hug and kiss your girlfriend, like you do everyday.
She holds her letter close & wishes she were with him for him to hold her, but isn't sure she'll ever feel his touch again.

You roll your eyes as a baby cries.
He gets a letter with pictures of his new child, and wonders if they'll ever meet.

You criticize your government, and say that war never solves anything.
She sees the innocent tortured and killed by their own government and remembers why she is fighting.

You hear the jokes about the war, and make fun of the men like him.
He hears the gun fire and bombs.

You see only what the media wants you to see.
She sees the bodies lying around her.

You are asked to go to the store by your parents. You don't.
He does what he is told.

You stay at home and watch TV.
She takes whatever time she is given to call and write home, sleep, and eat.

You crawl into your bed, with down pillows, and try to get comfortable.
He crawls under a tank for shade and a 5 minute nap, only to be woken by gun fire.

You sit there and judge him, saying the world is a worse place because of people like them.
If only there were more people like them!

If you support your troops, send this on!!!!

"Dominus Fortissima Turris"

IF YOU DON'T STAND BEHIND OUR TROOPS,
PLEASE, FEEL FREE TO STAND IN FRONT OF THEM

Here is S's response...(we'll call her "S" until she says I can actually use her name.)
"We are in a war we didn't choose. Why should anyone support the troops still there? This is a war time. Those soldiers knew what they were signing up for. I will not support anyone so willing to kill another human being for something so useless. And if it came down to it, I would rather stand in front than behind. At least that way I would die with dignity and the knowledge that I wasn't shooting a person because some asshole war mongrel in office thought it would be a good idea."

My Response:

No offense, but...

1) I love it when people who haven't a clue about politics (except what they hear from their wanna-be-artistic- coffee-drinking friends, which in fact are only neo-hippies) are quick to voice how they don't support our troops at war because "the war is for nothing & they knew what they were getting into before they signed." All the while they sit in these coffee shops & talk about nothing but how to be modern-day anarchists & then go on to talk about more things they have no idea about, like how they wish they lived in a different country so they wouldn't have to put up with these "ridiculous excuses for leaders" regardless of whether the country is at war or not or that the unemployment rate is at an all time low (which is currently at a steady 4.6%)

2) I also adore how these people are usually unemployed (which means they pay no taxes), but they're so concerned about the debt of the U.S. (which they're only adding to.) And, of course, the idea they have with themselves that they have just as much say in what goes on in this country even though the do nothing but bitch about the way it's run. If you're so concerned about the problems of our country, do something about it. You have all the time in the world because you don't have a job, but then, you couldn't possibly spend your $1.25 on anything but coffee & if you did -- well, then you'd just be helping those "mongrels" in office.

Thank God -- oh wait -- you don't believe in God...well then, Thank the Big Bang Theory or some "higher power" that those troops are in every place but home fighting for your right to voice your uniformed & uneducated opinion.

I never said I agreed with the war. I said I support our troops because if it weren't for them, God only knows where this country would be. And believe you me, I do NOT think that Bush is a prime candidate for President of this country. & I DO believe that the U.S. government had something to do with 9/11, but I still support our troops because most of them are just as much in the dark about what our leaders are doing as we are. And since you're so worried about dignity, they are just doing something they thought to be more "dignified" with their lives FOR this country than you or even I am doing.

S's Response:

It's sad that they think they are dying for something dignified. That makes me sick.
I know people who have graduate from "good" colleges and are less intelligent that the high school drop outs I know.
I have been extremely involved here and in Oregon with the political aspect of things.
I am by no means a hippie, nor have I ever said aloud that I am one. This stereotype only comes from ignorant people who assume because I drink coffee and discuss politics that this is what a hippie must be.
I am pretty sure the war is hurting our economy much worse than me not working ever could. I am not an anarchist by any means and I am offended that because I visit a coffeehouse I am plastered along with another type of stereotype that I have and will never claim to be.

My Response:

You're an anarchist because you disagree with everything the government does, not because you "visit" a coffeehouse.

I generalize the situation, S, not pinpoint it all on you, but if the shoe fits...

And as far as your political involvement, I'd love to know your credentials. It sounds like I could be being facetious, but honest, I'm not. I'd really like to know.

And as far as the hippie comment goes...tell me that 85f the people that go to the Thunderbird AREN'T neo-hippies. That's an argument even YOU can't uphold.

I lived in Jackson far longer than you & the stereotypes are true. If it's a pill hard for you to swallow, you belong in NYC where life is one big reality check that you can't help but focus on.

Anyone wanna join in on this politcal debate?

Update Anyone???

2006-08-13T21:33:41Z

I'm feeling better, this weekend, about my mom being gone. I'm not really depressed anymore. So glad I am about it.

My roommate Gary & I spent the day together yesterday & actually had a really good day. We argue about silly things because we don't see eye-to-eye, but I learned yesterday that we're both able to laugh off the fact that we don't see eye-to-eye.

We went to lunch at Applebee's in Battery Park, then we went to J&R (music world, computer world, home appliance world, electronic world, camera world, etc.) & looked at Karoke CDs (if any of you have had a conversation with me about my roommate, you'll know that he's 'notoriously famous' for singing Karoke in our living room alone, which makes me laugh:-)...after that we went to see The Devil Wears Prada (which was good.) Then we went to Century 21 (a department store in NYC) & we both wanted to kill people. It's the most disorganized, hectic, chaotic, ridiculous store I have EVER been in. I'll never shop there. It's just too crazy for me. So, we went instead to the South Street Seaport & shopped there & just hung out on the dock. After that we went to the coolest hole-in-the-wall bar named Jeremy's in the Seaport. It was great. It was like the bars you read about that are in little east coast fisherman towns like in The Perfect Storm. I loved it & can't wait to take Ben there.

Speaking of BEN...he'll be here in 10 days!!! I can't freakin' wait. We're going to have soooo much fun. I don't know all of the things we're going to do yet, but it doesn't matter. He & I always have fun together; & in a city like New York? How the hell could we not have fun???

Oh, I can't wait.

Yesterday was good for me. I really needed it. When we were walking through Battery Park, there was a moment that I looked up right by the Manhattan School of Sailing & the sight took my breath away. Suddenly all the feelings I used to have for New York before I moved here came rushing back. & it hasn't left me since. When I first moved here I was overcome by excitement. I didn't really feel anything but excitement. After that passed I felt lonely & sad that I had left everyone behind; but then yesterday the feelings I once had for this place came rushing back to me. I'm so glad I finally made it here.

Oh, I love New York.

I Wish You Enough

2006-08-13T21:32:28Z

My mom has always had a signature phrase whenever leaving us, since I was a very small child and I'm sure even before that. "I love you and I wish you enough," as though one phrase weren't complete without the other. And it wasn't. We all knew it & we all knew what it meant.

To this day I still don't know where my mother got her wish from, but it was long before the days of email & chain letters, so I find it only to be an act of God that this email would be sent to me only a day later than she left me.

She left yesterday from visiting me in NYC & it was harder to let her go from here than it was to leave her when I moved here.

This entire email reminded me of her special goodbye phrase and leaving her at the airport. I haven't stopped crying since.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mom's personal note at the top of the email read:
"Always remember, 'I wish you enough' & I love you so much more than you will ever know."

Recently I overheard a mother and daughter in their last moments together at the aiport. They had announced the departure.

Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the mother said, "I love you & I wish you enough."

The daughter replied, "Mom, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Mom."

They kissed and the daughter left. The mother walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see she wanted and needed to cry. I didn't want to intrude on her privacy, but she welcomed me in by asking, "Did you ever say goodbye to someone knowing it would be forever.?"

"Yes, I have," I replied. "Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever goodbye?"

"I am old and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is -- the next trip back will be for my funeral," she said.

"When you were saying goodbye, I heard you say, 'I wish you enough.' May I ask what that means?"

She began to smile. "That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone." She paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail and she smiled even more. "When we said, 'I wish you enough," we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them." Then turning toward me, she shared the following as if sher were reciting it from memory:

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitiude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.

I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.

I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final goodbye.

Then she began to cry and she walked away.

TAKE TIME TO LIVE.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
As soon as I started reading the first line of what she had sent, exclusively to me & not to the other people on her friends list, tears fell from my eyes like someone just opened a floodgate.

I moved to New York for so many reasons and yet, now that I'm here, I can't remember even one. It's not what I thought it would be. I don't regret my decision to move here, but I have been given a new perspective of life, friends, family and being alone.

Everyday I move through different emotions connected to my being so far away from everything that has been "the comforts of home" for 24 years. Sometimes I'm excited, sometimes I'm happy, sometimes I'm indifferent, sometimes I'm sad, sometimes I'm angry...I feel every emotion known to man. And on a person, that is hard. Especially going through it all alone.

Before I moved here I thought of the people that would be there for me when I needed them, even 650 miles apart, but when it comes down to it...you're still the only one that's left.

Today is a bad day, but tomorrow...tomorrow will be brighter.

To all my friends and loved ones...I wish you enough.

Just Another Jack Morris

2006-08-13T21:31:03Z

Ben Wallace left the Detroit Pistons for
twelve million dollars?

The 'Fro is moving to the Windy City, boys & girls.

Well I say, "Go, then." If being the highest paid Piston at $48 million for four years isn't enough & you have to move to THE CHICAGO BULLS for $60 million for four years, fine...we don't need you anyway.

Just like Eamon says, "I don't want you back."

PS...Jack Morris used to pitch for the Tigers in the early '80's during their '84 World Series win & in 1986 he left to go to the twins for a low $2,000,000 or so increase over 4 years. He said he had to "think of (his) kids' college education..." Psh...puh-leeze...for the record...even back in the early '80's, major-league players like Jack Morris still made in excess of $30,000,000 contracts. Where were his kids going to college? Every college in the world???

GREEDY...THAT'S ALL THEY ARE IS GREEDY.

But I don't care, Ben...go. Just go.

New York Still Considered "Prime Target" For Terrorist Attacks

2006-08-13T21:28:57Z

Senator: NYC subway plot was real
Posted 18 June 2006 @ 2148 EST on MSNBC.com

REPORT: Major Cities Not Ready for Catastrophe
Posted 16 June 2006 @ 2338 EST on MSNBC.com

It's crazy how in 2001 during the few months following 9/11, I remembered wondering what it would feel like actually being here. How horrible it would have been to have been here & not been able to get home, not been able to even call or email home. But still, I moved here. Now this is the fourth article I've seen regarding the lack of preparation this city holds for a possible terrorist attack since I've been here. I guess in Michigan we're sort of sheltered from the reality of the aftershock even 4 1/2 years later. I know I was under the impression that New York would have been the first to put a plan into effect, but apparently only 11 of the 50 states are prepared sufficiently. I'm going to continue to post the articles that I find throughout the next couple of weeks, so if you're interested, stay tuned.

xoxo,
~G

You're Gonna Be So Disappointed...

2006-08-13T21:26:11Z

Sorry guys...I didn't even end up going to Libation last night. I didn't do anything yesterday or last night. I stayed at home in Brooklyn. You know how some days you just don't want to do anything at all? Yeah...that was yesterday for me. Oh well, what are ya gonna do, ya know? I live here, it's not like I won't have a million more chances to check it out. Anyway, I need to buy some clothes to go out in before I'll feel really comfortable going out. The standards are higher here in NY compared to Jackson. It's not a big deal, just a small adjustment to be made. I just remember being able to put a tank top, jeans & little sandals on & head out to The Rocket & being good to go until 2a, but here in NY...psh...they won't let your ass in if that's the case. You'd better be Red Carpet presentable. Friday night I wore these little black & pink wrap-around-the-ankle wedge sandals that are soooo cute, capri jeans & my black "faded passion" little t with the cleavage & side slits in it, so it was cute & could have been turned from nighttime to daytime with a switch of the sandals like that. Girls have it much easier than guys...as long as you're hott anyway. No sneakers for guys at all & you'd better have a really nice shirt from D&B or some shit or you can forget getting in. SOL stopped letting single guys in when we got there at 1a, so there was a line of guys turned away if they weren't with a female. They let females in only. Isn't that crazy???

Anyway...enough about that. Oh, oh...I can't even believe I'm about to say this, but...as much as I hate Paris Hilton, her new song "Stars Are Blind" is really, really good. It's got a reggae beat to it & it voice sounds really even & sweet. Cute sweet. Guys will hate the song, but love the video & most of the girls are going to love it. It's a good song.

Stars Are Blind -- Paris Hilton

Check it out.

I guess that's it for now. I think I'm gonna go to Prospect Park by my house.

Oy vey...

2006-08-13T21:24:31Z

I made this friend on MySpace named Zach. He's a promoter here in New York, which apparently is someone who brings all his friends to all the clubs throughout the city & they get VIP treatment for FREE. It's weird. I don't know how these clubs make money if they're just putting bottles of Grey Goose & decanters of mixers & ice on the tables for the 20 promoters & their friends. But, hey...it's their business, I just utilize it.

So, Kyndale, Victoria & I all went to this club called SOL in The Meatpacking Dictrict (where all the live clubs are in NYC) & dropped Zach's name at the door & we got in free which is nice 'cause otherwise it would have been $25/person. Fuck that. So, we walk in & I don't have a clue where Zach is because I've never even met him, but we walk thorough this club that had 30 foot ceilings & looked like a warehouse. It was a warehouse...before the owners of SOL got to it anyway. There were three 20 foot bars with topshelf all over the place like it was water & at $10/drink...they were bankin'...or were they? Well, since they were carrying 20 promoters & all their friends...again...how are they making any money??? Anyway, the music was the best part. The DJs here...well...they play music you want to hear. Unlike those in Michigan. (before you get salty & for the record...DJ Donald & DJ Southpaw are the best that have ever "scratched" at The Rocket.) The ones in MI just play what they want to hear & people feel the need to request tracks, but in New York, the DJs are already playing what you want to hear, so you just put ya lighters up! I don't know. The DJs here have to be good for more than 6 hours though because the clubs don't close until 4a. So...what are ya gonna do, ya know?

I met a ton of people though, so that was cool. The only thing? I ended up having to walk 10 blocks (city block...which means they're twice as big than the ones in Jackson) to the subway @ 4am. That SUCKED. It was kinda scary. But, I stayed cool. I talked to my BG on the phone until I made it to the train & then I finally got home at 5:20a. Yeah...it takes a while to travel in The Big City. I'm used to it by now though. So...that's what's up!

Tonight? It's Libation. I'll report back tomorrow.

Life is gooood....well...kinda...

2006-08-13T21:23:07Z

Well...it's been uh...25 days (or something like that) since I've been in The Big Apple. As I'm typing this the words are coming out in my head in a Jamaican accent because I'm around Jamaicans all day at Victoria's Secret & then on top of that I live in a Jamaican neighborhood. When I go to work at the bars I'm around Irish all day. No one in New York is actually from New York. Actually...no one in New York is actually from the US. Weird.

So, yeah...I got a job. Actually...3. I work as a server Monday - Friday from 10a-3p or 10a-9p (depending on my shift obviously) at a place called The Mercantile Grill. On days that they need me to fill in, I also work as a bartender at a place called The Killarney Rose. In addition to those (&, really just for the discount) I work at Victoria's Secret 10-15 hours a week. Uh...I'm so tired. I'm exhausted actually. It's 1:15a, but I just got home from VS & I'm so tired I couldn't sleep if I tried. Does that make any damned sense?

Anyway, life is much better. I'm buying Ben a plane ticket out here on July 19, so he'll spend 10 whole days with me. I CANNOT WAIT. Finally someone from home will be here with me. The One I love.

My momma might be coming over July 4th holiday, so that's going to be pretty sweet as well. I can't wait to see my people. I miss them all so much.

So, that's all I have to report right now...I need to eat & go to sleep. I have to work in 9 hours!!! AHHH!

Stay tuned!

xoxo,
~GG

My 10th Day In New York

2006-08-13T21:20:07Z

10 days in New York, but it already feels like several months. I'm ok, I guess. I'm missing Ben & my family, but I guess that's to be expected. I must admit that I had more faith in myself before I left than I do now. I'm already planning a visit home. It's just a fantasy at this point though because I don't have any money or a job yet & let's face it...I've only been here for 10 days.

I love New York, I really do, but...it's just not the same without the people you love & who love you. I guess it'd be different if I didn't have anyone back home, you know? I mean, family is one thing...but to have someone you're so madly in love with be 650 miles away is -- well...heartbreaking really. Ben is not only my best friend...he's the other part of me. But, regardless, I promised myself I'd give it a chance. A real chance. I'm not coming home in a month or two or even 6.

I'm sure that most of my problem is that I don't have a job yet, so meeting people is kind of hard. Ok, wait...meeting people in general isn't really the problem, it's meeting people you'll actually want to talk to for more than the 3 minutes it takes to get directions. People you want to talk to for more than 3 minutes are hard to come by when you're just roaming the city whereas if you're actually working with them then you get to see inside part of their personalities & it's easier to "pass judgement."

Anyway...it's hard right now, but things will get better. You just wait & see. I never thought I'd say it, but: I don't care what I have to do to be happy, but I will be happy. Even if I have to come home in 8 months to a year. Ugh...Ben...know that you're the only reason I'd do such a drastic thing. Also know that it won't be for a while longer though. I love you. As for the rest of you...stay tuned. Maybe the faith I have in myself hasn't been shaken quite as much as I first thought.

Brooklyn Is Where We At...

2006-08-13T21:18:29Z

I'm here. I'm in New York. I'm in Brooklyn at the library right now & don't have a lot of time to write, but I wanted to let everyone who was wondering know that I'm here & I'm fine. It's definitely New York, that's for sure. My neighborhood is mostly Jamicans which is kinda cool, but they can be some of the shadiest people ever, so I'm careful. The other side of me is all Jewish, so they're all right. Niiice. Haha...an 8 year old little girl got hit by a school bus right outside of my house Monday, so news crews were out there all night & all day yesterday. It was plastered on the New York Post yesterday as the cover story titled "School Bus Horror" & what a horror it was.

Last night Kyndale, Kim, Trevor, Gary & I went to see Avenue Q on Broadway...sooooo hilarious...see it if you're here. It was amazing.

As for my apartment...it's ok, my room is LIME GREEN & hideous. We're painting it this weekend I think...thank God...it's causing nightmares! I miss you guys!

5 minutes left...going to Central Park now.

xoxo,

So Many Reasons I'm Glad to Be Leaving...

2006-08-13T21:17:04Z

So, my sister & Ben threw me a surprise "Go Away" :-) party at The Rocket tonight & I'd first like to thank everybody who came out to say goodbye. You are the reasons I'm sad to be leaving. I love you guys & will miss you terribly. Keep in touch!!!

As for the rest of you -- fuck you HATERS that were there & the ones that didn't show up, you people are the reason I am sooo glad to be leaving this place. I won't lie, it hurt my feelings, made me feel like shit. It was a bad night & all my sister & my Ben were trying to do was show me how proud they are of me & how much they're going to miss me & in return people talked shit & made faces the whole night. That's ok because I'm getting the hell out of this close-minded place & alla youse are still fucking stuck here. Yeah, you got under my skin here but that's only because the best of me is yet to come & when I'm someplace else making life happen, you'll be stuck here wishing you weren't "living" life here.

20 Days & Counting

2006-08-13T21:15:54Z

For as far back as I can remember I've wanted to move to New York. It's been my dream since I was at least 15 and now...it's finally coming true. On May 21st, Kyndale & I are boarding an Amtrak out of this place. Kyndale was my first best friend ever & because of MySpace we reunited a few months ago. I'm really excited to be able to spend the time with her, to play catchup, so-to-speak. Though...even after 10 years it's almost as though we weren't even apart. She'll only be in NY with me for 4 days, but it'll be nice to have someone from home come with me & see what my new digs are like.

Even more hard to believe and comprehend is that I'm not going to be living in Michigan anymore. I'm not just going on vacation...I'm moving. I'm selling everything I own, packing my clothes, DVDs & iPods & getting the hell out of Dodge.

I'm going to be without my friends, my family, my job, my truck, my stupid little house... I'm leaving everything to chase a dream I've had since before I was able to drive. Haha...ok, so it's not like it was that long ago, but you catch my drift. Does anyone understand the magnitude of it all? I'm not even sure if I understand the depth of it all. When it hits, it's gonna hit hard. No more jumping in the truck to visit Ben at work. No more watching little Nathan grow up into a tall man. No more grabbing Ladi & D to take them to the park. No more calling mom to see if I can come over to do laundry. No more going to Meijer at 3 o'clock in the morning because I'm bored. No more searching for a babysitter so Jamie can go to the Rocket with me on a Saturday night to get our groove on. No more going to Westwinds on Sunday morning. No more going to Planet Fitness to work my ass off (literally) with Scott & Cody. No more of anything that I'm used to. But...it all has to be replaced with the new & the unknown, right? It's exciting, yet terrifying. I'm going to be in The City that Never Sleeps...all alone. I've always wondered how in a city of more than 9 million people you could be lonely? Well, I'm about to find out. But don't worry guys...if you know me, you know it won't last for long.

SongMix

2006-08-13T21:14:49Z

I was listening to The Postal Service -- Give Up CD today at work & decided to take lines from some of their songs to make my own. You may recognize some of the lines & some you may not because I added my own stuff, too...so...here's a song I wrote for someone some of you maybe know about and some of you may not. Those of you that know about that person should be able to figure out who it is.

I've been waiting since birth to find a love
That would look & sound like a movie
I've wanted so badly to believe that there is truth
That love is real
& I want life & every word to the extent that it's absurd

& then I met you &
I have to speculate that God Himself
Did make us into corresponding shapes like
Puzzle pieces from the clay
I am missing you to death
I hope this song will guide you home

But now that it's almost over
I'm barely listenting to last demands
I'm staring at the asphalt wondering,
"What's buried underneath?"
As you speak I keep reminding myself,
"I am not permanent..."

Knuckles clenched to white
Finally, I despondently respond
"You're getting carried away...
...feeling sorry for yourself...
...so let me help you to remember...
...you left me here to face the world alone.
So please back away & let me go.
Don't feed me lines about some idealist future
My heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures."

I lock myself away on the fire escape
That's bolted to the ancient brick
Where I sit & contemplate my day
I'm not coming out until this is all over
& I'm screaming at the top of my lungs
Pretending the echoes belong to someone else
Someone I used to know.

Gosh...

2006-08-13T21:10:26Z

So...I got my effin computer fixed, but the other day the wireless card started acting stupid, so...yeah...can't access the internet. I miss you guys & by now you've all forgotten about me. Damn.

Well, for the record, I haven't forgotten any of you.

xoxo,

CodeWord

2006-08-13T21:08:36Z

Will someone please call a surgeon

Who can crack my ribs & repair this broken heart

That you're deserting for better company?

I can't accept that it's over…

I will block the door like a goalie tending the net

In the third quarter of a tied-game rivalry

So just say how to make it right

& I swear I'll do my best to comply

Tell me am I right to think that there could be nothing better

Than making you my bride & slowly growing old together

I feel I must interject here

You're getting carried away

Feeling sorry for yourself

With these revisions & gaps in history

So let me help you remember

I've made these charts & graphs that should finally ma it clear

I've prepared a lecture on why I have to leave

So please back away & let me go

I can't my darling

I love you so…

Oh, oh

Tell me am I right to think that there could be nothing better

Than making you my bride & slowly growing old together

Don't you feed me lines about some idealistic future

Your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures

I admit that I've made mistakes & I swear

I'll never wrong you again

You've got a lure I can't deny

But you've had your chance so say goodbye

Say goodbye

Nothing Better

The Postal Service

Trying so hard...

2006-08-13T20:52:20Z

I'm trying so hard to pull something creative out of nowhere, but I'm no magician. And even if I were I'd have to have something to start with. Doesn't everything have a beginning?

There are a lot of things in my life that I can't remember the start of. For example...I can't remember the start of Jamie's and my friendship. I can't remember the start of my New York dream. I can't remember the start of my obsession with not believing in love.

There's a girl sitting at the table next to me talking about the drama's of getting the bridesmaid's dresses. It's sickening to listen to because she sounds so young. Immature. Not to mention, she IS young. I just looked at her and she can't be more than 18 or 19. She's cute, though. Not ready for marriage. "Who are you to judge," you ask? Yeah...who am I, anyway? She's too cute and young and dumb to have experienced enough in life to allow her to be ready to commit herself to one man for the rest of her life. I guess it's probably just "For the rest of right now." What will become of them? Will they get married, get pregnant...and then what? Never to experience anything alone to learn who they are alone. How very sad.

I think of marriage and I think, "Then what?" The anticipation of LIFE is just too fun, scary and real of an experience to end it all with a vow or two at the alter.

Am I pessimistic? Cynical? Doomed to a life alone and lonely because I have yet to see the benefits of marriage? Where did this lack of belief come from?

Oh great. I'm starting to sound like I need to see a shrink. Hell. I probably do.

If I Were...

2006-08-13T20:50:59Z

The answers I have given are that which I wish to be true. What is actually true, I'm not really sureI'll let you decide, I guess if you choose to pass judgment.

If I were a month, I'd be:

May because it's at the prime of spring where everything is new.

If I were a day of the week, I'd be:

Saturday because its my favorite day of the week. I don't have to work & I can party all night if I want to.

If I were a time of day, I'd be:
7:23 am or pm; doesn't matter. It's my favorite number.

If I were a planet, I'd be:
Earth. When you're in the most natural parts of this planet all is blue & green with other hints of colours, but still flawed in some areas and still beautiful if your perception is pure. So beautiful it is, so beautiful I would be.

If I were a sea animal, I'd be:
A dolphin. They're my favorite animals because they're so friendly, so smart & so beautiful.

If I were a direction, I'd be:
South, because when I think of the South, I think of warm climates, palm trees, beachesthings that are beautiful.

If I were a sin, I'd be:
Well, of the standard 7 Deadly Sins, I'd be sloth because I'm so damned lazy. I am a sin. If we're talking about Gandhi's Seven Deadly Sins then I would be Wealth without Work, but not because I'm wealthy but because I'd like to be wealthy without working for it. Even so, I'm willing to work for it given the opportunity, soam I even one of his sins???

His 7 Deadly Sins are:

Wealth without Work

Pleasure without Conscience

Science without Humanity

Knowledge without Character

Politics without Principal

Commerce without Morality

Worship without Sacrifice

If I were a historical figure, I'd be:

Audrey Hepburn. Her movies have made a huge impact on my life & what she did after her career as an actress has made an even bigger impact.

If I were a liquid, I'd be:

Water, clean, pure, crystal clear water. Aside from the birth of a child, water is probably the most amazing miracle God has ever given us.

If I were a tree, I'd be:

A lilac tree. They give you just enough to fall in love & want more & more. And they smell absolutely heavenly.

If I were a bird, I'd be:

A tropical parrot living in the rainforests of Brazil.

If I were a tool, I'd be:

A hammer. A hammer is needed in almost every job if it is to be the end result of a beautifully built creation.

If I were a flower/plant:
I'd be a grape vine in the vineyards of Tuscany, Italy. Aside from being amazingly beautiful, they produce the worlds best grapes for wine.

If I were a kind of weather:
The most beautiful day of fall. When the leaves are just starting to change & the air is just perfect with a slight breeze that dances through your hair

If I were a mythical creature:
A white unicorn with silver hooves and horn because I love horses.

If I were a musical instrument:
A black grand piano, because the music they make is astounding.

If I were an animal, I'd be:
A horse: strong, beautiful & unpredictable.

If I were a color, I'd be:
Kelly green because it's my favorite color & it's the color of the most alive grass in the hills of Ireland.

If I were an emotion, I'd be:
All of them. There's no way I could choose just one because I feel too much too often.

If I were a vegetable, I'd be:
Corn.

If I were a sound, I'd be:
The raging ocean waves against the shore.

If I were an element, I'd be:
Mercury. Hg.

http://www.chemsoc.org/viselements/pages/mercury.html

If I were a car, I'd be:
A hybrid.

If I were a song, I'd be:
Love Theme from The Godfather or The Godfather Waltz.

If I were a movie, I'd be:
Breakfast at Tiffany's starring Audrey Hepburn & George Peppard.

If I were a book, I'd be:
The Left Behind Series.

If I were a food, I'd be:
Pasta.

If I were a place, I'd be:
Sicily, Italy.

If I were a material, I'd be:
Chenille.

If I were a taste, I'd be:
The taste of food after fasting for 40 days and 40 nights.

If I were a scent, I'd be:
The salty smell of the ocean in the spring.

If I were a religion, I'd be:
Christianity with the teachings of the Buddhists, Kabbalah.

If I were a word, I'd be:
Adore. A short word with more meaning than even the word love. Underused, under appreciated.

If I were an object, I'd be:
A blanket.

If I were a body part, I'd be:
The cerebellum.

If I were a facial expression, I'd be:
The look you have when sleeping soundly.

If I were a subject in school, I'd be:
History.

If I were a cartoon character, I'd be:
She-Ra: Princess of Power!

If I were a shape, I'd be a:
A perfect triangle.

If I were a number, I'd be:
723.

If I were a disease, I'd be:

Love.

Oh My Gosh...

2006-08-13T20:49:20Z

Oh my word...you don't even know how effed up it is that I still don't have my laptop. I'm so sad without Laptop McGee. It's got all of my pictures, all of my music, all of my stories, all of my poems...it's got everything I need to save. I'm not even sure if those things have been saved yet until I get it back. Ugh...I miss you guys, I miss leaving comments, writing blogs, looking at people pages, listening to music...I know, I know...it's not been that long, but when you used to get online 10+ times a day...well...it's a swift, hard blow.

Anyway...to those of you that I used to talk to often, I'll be back. Don't worry your pretty little heads, but continue to miss me.

xoxo,

PS...Remember: EVERYBODY'S Irish on St. Patty's Day!

Be safe!

Plans for the future...

2006-08-13T20:47:43Z

I'm going to quit my job

And

Live on Love

Anyone want to join me?

C'mon...it'll be fun.

Someone dear to me...

2006-08-13T20:46:13Z

So sad I am...my boyfriend Laptop McGee is broken. :-( I'm nannying (is that even a word?) this week, so I'm using their computer and I guess it's not all bad, but my pictures are on there, my music, all the things I've written...gosh, there's so much I can't lose.

"Don't you back up?" Back up? What is this 'back up' you all speak of?!? And why don't any of you mention it before Laptop McGee decides to get cancer?!? GOSH! It's like an unspoken pact amongst all with computers excluding me! It's like a world I've never even heard of & yet everyone in the world knows it exists but me! Where was I when the Back Up Seminar came to town? Ugh...thank God I have an amazing computer guy named Bill. He's been working on my computers since I got my first one at 15.

Ok...anyway...I can't write about it anymore...I'm obsessed with Ace Young so it's time to search for him online. I adore him. If you don't know who Ace Young is, you don't really need to know much more than that he is my future husband...yeah, yeah...I know...I don't believe in love, trust me, you don't have to remind me...but I do believe in...something else...as long as it's with Ace.

In case you didn't notice...I'm in a crazy mood today; it's because I have the flu. I've been sick all day...terribly, terribly sick. I hope I'm better tomorrow & not so damned delisional.