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I write as if I'm bleeding to death & I'll never be able to feel another word...  God bless it, why can't I remember anything?!?!?! I swear on all things holy that my memory is the size of an inch worm. I was reading a book today -- a novel actually -- & it's narrated by this senior in high school...seems like a teen novella, but it's not, it's actually quite witty & humerous, but anyway!!! I'm reading this book & she's talking about high school & it being their last year, "blahdiddyblahblah," (as Jessica the narrator would say) & she says something about not remembering high school in ten years & me being the argumentative, headstrong moron that I am, says, (of course to myself) "Psh...Tsk...I remember high school!" And so it was, the beginning of four very long, very irritating hours of trying to remember high school...which I did not succeed at. So, I ask you...why is it that I have a memory the size of an inch worm?!?!? The very few things that I do remember about high school are blurry...out of focus...distant. It's like...I'm living someone elses life because this condition is not limited to my memories -- or lack thereof -- of high school. I can't even remember 24 hours ago!?! YESTERDAY! I can't remember YESTERDAY! That which is also quite blurry & hard to recall would be Ben's visit to New York. Or how about my MOTHER'S visit to New York? Both occurred in the same month of July 2006, but neither event can I recall without mixing up whatever adventures we embarked upon. We did embark upon adventures I assume, as we were in New York City...well they "were," I still am. At least I think I still am...though, apparently I could have moved & not even remembered... Oy...maybe I should see a doctor about this... Current mood:  restless.Current music: If Only I Could Remember My Name by David Crosby. Something I read recently... Pictures from 2006's International Picture of the Year Award
First Place:  Todd Heisler - The Rocky Mountain News 2nd Lt. James Cathey's body arrives at the Reno Airport while Marines climb into the cargo hold of the plane to drap the flag over his casket as passengers watch the family gather on the tarmac. During the arrival of another Marine's casket last year at Denver International Airport, Major Steve Beck described the scene as so powerful. "...you've gotta wonder what those people watching are thinking. What's going through their minds knowing that they're on the plane that brought him home," he said. "They will remember being on that plane for the rest of their lives. They're going to remember bringing that Marine home. And they should." 2nd Place:  Todd Heisler - The Rocky Mountain News The night before the burial of her husband's body, Katherine Cathey refuses to leave the casket, requesting to sleep next to his body one last time. The Marines made a bed for her, tucking in the sheets below the flag. Before she fell asleep she opened her laptop computer & played songs that reminded her of 'Cat," & as she did, one of the Marines asked her if she wanted them to continue standing watch as she slept. "I think it would be kind of nice if you kept doing it," she said. "I thnk it's what he would have wanted." Current mood:  sad.
Not that this is worth reading or anything. I'm not really sure as though I have anything to write. I'm having that "writer's block" issue again & I just can't shake it. I wrote that little poem this morning, but it didn't extinguish this flame of creative desire. Ohh, that one was kinda good, yeah? "...extinguish the flame of creative desire..." So, I've been thinking of the next place I'm moving... Any suggestions??? Current mood:  amused.Current music: Move Along by The All American Rejects. ...& i just can't sleep...
...too much to think about... ...so many reasons to weep... ...one reason: i'm all alone... ...another reason: i'm so far from home... ...but don't get it twisted... ...home isn't there... ...it's just where my soul... ...is as light as the air... ...someplace that i feel... ...so safe & so near... ...to someone who loves me... ...and says it so clear... Current mood:  lonely.
Is it general knowledge yet that there is question as to whether the U.S. Government staged the attacks of 9/11? Has it yet become general knowledge that the evidence supporting these accusations is quite surprisingly substantial? Current mood:  indescribable.
As some of you know...I recently re-posted a "Support Our Troops" bulletin. Some people reposted, but one opposed. The Bulletin
Your alarm goes off, you hit the snooze and sleep for another 10 minutes.I Support Our Troops He stays up for days on end. You take a warm shower to help you wake up. She goes days or weeks without running water. You complain of a "headache", and call in sick. He gets shot at, as others are hit, and keeps moving forward. You put on your anti war/don't support the troops shirt, and go meet up with your friends. She still fights for your right to wear that shirt. You make sure you're cell phone is in your pocket. He clutches the cross hanging on his chain next to his dog tags. You talk trash on your "girls" that aren't with you. She knows she may not see some of her friends again. You walk down the beach, staring at all the pretty girls. He walks the streets, searching for insurgents and terrorists. You complain about how hot it is. She wears her heavy gear, not daring to take off her helmet to wipe her brow. You go out to lunch, and complain because the restaurant got your order wrong. He does not get to eat today. In the morning, you make your bed and wash your clothes & sheets. She wears the same things for months, but makes sure her weapons are clean. You go to the salon and get your hair redone. He doesn't have time to brush his teeth today. You are angry because you had to work 2 hours later. She is told she will be held an extra 2 months. You call your boyfriend and set a date for that night. He waits for the mail to see if there is a letter from home. You hug and kiss your girlfriend, like you do everyday. She holds her letter close & wishes she were with him for him to hold her, but isn't sure she'll ever feel his touch again. You roll your eyes as a baby cries. He gets a letter with pictures of his new child, and wonders if they'll ever meet. You criticize your government, and say that war never solves anything. She sees the innocent tortured and killed by their own government and remembers why she is fighting. You hear the jokes about the war, and make fun of the men like him. He hears the gun fire and bombs. You see only what the media wants you to see. She sees the bodies lying around her. You are asked to go to the store by your parents. You don't. He does what he is told. You stay at home and watch TV. She takes whatever time she is given to call and write home, sleep, and eat. You crawl into your bed, with down pillows, and try to get comfortable. He crawls under a tank for shade and a 5 minute nap, only to be woken by gun fire. You sit there and judge him, saying the world is a worse place because of people like them. If only there were more people like them! If you support your troops, send this on!!!! "Dominus Fortissima Turris" IF YOU DON'T STAND BEHIND OUR TROOPS, PLEASE, FEEL FREE TO STAND IN FRONT OF THEM Here is S's response...(we'll call her "S" until she says I can actually use her name.) "We are in a war we didn't choose. Why should anyone support the troops still there? This is a war time. Those soldiers knew what they were signing up for. I will not support anyone so willing to kill another human being for something so useless. And if it came down to it, I would rather stand in front than behind. At least that way I would die with dignity and the knowledge that I wasn't shooting a person because some asshole war mongrel in office thought it would be a good idea." My Response: No offense, but... 1) I love it when people who haven't a clue about politics (except what they hear from their wanna-be-artistic- coffee-drinking friends, which in fact are only neo-hippies) are quick to voice how they don't support our troops at war because "the war is for nothing & they knew what they were getting into before they signed." All the while they sit in these coffee shops & talk about nothing but how to be modern-day anarchists & then go on to talk about more things they have no idea about, like how they wish they lived in a different country so they wouldn't have to put up with these "ridiculous excuses for leaders" regardless of whether the country is at war or not or that the unemployment rate is at an all time low (which is currently at a steady 4.6%) 2) I also adore how these people are usually unemployed (which means they pay no taxes), but they're so concerned about the debt of the U.S. (which they're only adding to.) And, of course, the idea they have with themselves that they have just as much say in what goes on in this country even though the do nothing but bitch about the way it's run. If you're so concerned about the problems of our country, do something about it. You have all the time in the world because you don't have a job, but then, you couldn't possibly spend your $1.25 on anything but coffee & if you did -- well, then you'd just be helping those "mongrels" in office. Thank God -- oh wait -- you don't believe in God...well then, Thank the Big Bang Theory or some "higher power" that those troops are in every place but home fighting for your right to voice your uniformed & uneducated opinion. I never said I agreed with the war. I said I support our troops because if it weren't for them, God only knows where this country would be. And believe you me, I do NOT think that Bush is a prime candidate for President of this country. & I DO believe that the U.S. government had something to do with 9/11, but I still support our troops because most of them are just as much in the dark about what our leaders are doing as we are. And since you're so worried about dignity, they are just doing something they thought to be more "dignified" with their lives FOR this country than you or even I am doing. S's Response: It's sad that they think they are dying for something dignified. That makes me sick. I know people who have graduate from "good" colleges and are less intelligent that the high school drop outs I know. I have been extremely involved here and in Oregon with the political aspect of things. I am by no means a hippie, nor have I ever said aloud that I am one. This stereotype only comes from ignorant people who assume because I drink coffee and discuss politics that this is what a hippie must be. I am pretty sure the war is hurting our economy much worse than me not working ever could. I am not an anarchist by any means and I am offended that because I visit a coffeehouse I am plastered along with another type of stereotype that I have and will never claim to be. My Response: You're an anarchist because you disagree with everything the government does, not because you "visit" a coffeehouse. I generalize the situation, S, not pinpoint it all on you, but if the shoe fits... And as far as your political involvement, I'd love to know your credentials. It sounds like I could be being facetious, but honest, I'm not. I'd really like to know. And as far as the hippie comment goes...tell me that 85f the people that go to the Thunderbird AREN'T neo-hippies. That's an argument even YOU can't uphold. I lived in Jackson far longer than you & the stereotypes are true. If it's a pill hard for you to swallow, you belong in NYC where life is one big reality check that you can't help but focus on. Anyone wanna join in on this politcal debate? I'm feeling better, this weekend, about my mom being gone. I'm not really depressed anymore. So glad I am about it. My roommate Gary & I spent the day together yesterday & actually had a really good day. We argue about silly things because we don't see eye-to-eye, but I learned yesterday that we're both able to laugh off the fact that we don't see eye-to-eye. We went to lunch at Applebee's in Battery Park, then we went to J&R (music world, computer world, home appliance world, electronic world, camera world, etc.) & looked at Karoke CDs (if any of you have had a conversation with me about my roommate, you'll know that he's 'notoriously famous' for singing Karoke in our living room alone, which makes me laugh:-)...after that we went to see The Devil Wears Prada (which was good.) Then we went to Century 21 (a department store in NYC) & we both wanted to kill people. It's the most disorganized, hectic, chaotic, ridiculous store I have EVER been in. I'll never shop there. It's just too crazy for me. So, we went instead to the South Street Seaport & shopped there & just hung out on the dock. After that we went to the coolest hole-in-the-wall bar named Jeremy's in the Seaport. It was great. It was like the bars you read about that are in little east coast fisherman towns like in The Perfect Storm. I loved it & can't wait to take Ben there. Speaking of BEN...he'll be here in 10 days!!! I can't freakin' wait. We're going to have soooo much fun. I don't know all of the things we're going to do yet, but it doesn't matter. He & I always have fun together; & in a city like New York? How the hell could we not have fun??? Oh, I can't wait. Yesterday was good for me. I really needed it. When we were walking through Battery Park, there was a moment that I looked up right by the Manhattan School of Sailing & the sight took my breath away. Suddenly all the feelings I used to have for New York before I moved here came rushing back. & it hasn't left me since. When I first moved here I was overcome by excitement. I didn't really feel anything but excitement. After that passed I felt lonely & sad that I had left everyone behind; but then yesterday the feelings I once had for this place came rushing back to me. I'm so glad I finally made it here. Oh, I love New York. Current mood:  accomplished.Current music: Breakfast at Tiffany's; the soundtrack. My mom has always had a signature phrase whenever leaving us, since I was a very small child and I'm sure even before that. "I love you and I wish you enough," as though one phrase weren't complete without the other. And it wasn't. We all knew it & we all knew what it meant. To this day I still don't know where my mother got her wish from, but it was long before the days of email & chain letters, so I find it only to be an act of God that this email would be sent to me only a day later than she left me. She left yesterday from visiting me in NYC & it was harder to let her go from here than it was to leave her when I moved here. This entire email reminded me of her special goodbye phrase and leaving her at the airport. I haven't stopped crying since. ---------------------------------------- Mom's personal note at the top of the email read: "Always remember, 'I wish you enough' & I love you so much more than you will ever know." Recently I overheard a mother and daughter in their last moments together at the aiport. They had announced the departure. Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the mother said, "I love you & I wish you enough." The daughter replied, "Mom, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Mom." They kissed and the daughter left. The mother walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see she wanted and needed to cry. I didn't want to intrude on her privacy, but she welcomed me in by asking, "Did you ever say goodbye to someone knowing it would be forever.?" "Yes, I have," I replied. "Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever goodbye?" "I am old and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is -- the next trip back will be for my funeral," she said. "When you were saying goodbye, I heard you say, 'I wish you enough.' May I ask what that means?" She began to smile. "That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone." She paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail and she smiled even more. "When we said, 'I wish you enough," we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them." Then turning toward me, she shared the following as if sher were reciting it from memory: I wish you enough sun to keep your attitiude bright no matter how gray the day may appear. I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more. I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting. I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger. I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting. I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess. I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final goodbye. Then she began to cry and she walked away. TAKE TIME TO LIVE. ---------------------------------------- As soon as I started reading the first line of what she had sent, exclusively to me & not to the other people on her friends list, tears fell from my eyes like someone just opened a floodgate. I moved to New York for so many reasons and yet, now that I'm here, I can't remember even one. It's not what I thought it would be. I don't regret my decision to move here, but I have been given a new perspective of life, friends, family and being alone. Everyday I move through different emotions connected to my being so far away from everything that has been "the comforts of home" for 24 years. Sometimes I'm excited, sometimes I'm happy, sometimes I'm indifferent, sometimes I'm sad, sometimes I'm angry...I feel every emotion known to man. And on a person, that is hard. Especially going through it all alone. Before I moved here I thought of the people that would be there for me when I needed them, even 650 miles apart, but when it comes down to it...you're still the only one that's left. Today is a bad day, but tomorrow...tomorrow will be brighter. To all my friends and loved ones...I wish you enough. Current mood: but Happy!.
Ben Wallace left the Detroit Pistons for Just like Eamon says, "I don't want you back." PS...Jack Morris used to pitch for the Tigers in the early '80's during their '84 World Series win & in 1986 he left to go to the twins for a low $2,000,000 or so increase over 4 years. He said he had to "think of (his) kids' college education..." Psh...puh-leeze...for the record...even back in the early '80's, major-league players like Jack Morris still made in excess of $30,000,000 contracts. Where were his kids going to college? Every college in the world???
GREEDY...THAT'S ALL THEY ARE IS GREEDY. But I don't care, Ben...go. Just go. Current mood:  cranky.Current music: I Don't Want You Back by Eamon. Senator: NYC subway plot was real Posted 18 June 2006 @ 2148 EST on MSNBC.com REPORT: Major Cities Not Ready for Catastrophe Posted 16 June 2006 @ 2338 EST on MSNBC.com It's crazy how in 2001 during the few months following 9/11, I remembered wondering what it would feel like actually being here. How horrible it would have been to have been here & not been able to get home, not been able to even call or email home. But still, I moved here. Now this is the fourth article I've seen regarding the lack of preparation this city holds for a possible terrorist attack since I've been here. I guess in Michigan we're sort of sheltered from the reality of the aftershock even 4 1/2 years later. I know I was under the impression that New York would have been the first to put a plan into effect, but apparently only 11 of the 50 states are prepared sufficiently. I'm going to continue to post the articles that I find throughout the next couple of weeks, so if you're interested, stay tuned. xoxo, ~G Current mood:  worried.
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